here I am
new house
new home

it came on so suddenly
I’m sleeping in a different bed than I thought I would

here
I will never be hungry
I will never be lonely
I will never have the fear
of being left

but I am still heartbroken
because the bed I thought I’d sleep in has likely been filed by another
because the love I thought I’d had was thinner than my own

I am missing the blazing intoxicating love
longing the love that made me feel
as if I was floating through life
love that feels once in a lifetime
love that fuels all your passions

love in one self, two forms

but often fear, at least in the young
is stronger than love

now I will crawl into my new home
not what I expected
but beautiful all in all

long days long day
exhausted and tired
grumping to yourself
but still thoroughly in love with everyone in your car

_______________

how rare it is
to find the people
you may see everyday
and never tire of

to find more ease in every moment
simplicity in movement

mental issues
sanitary tissues
the dominant cultural paradigm of femininity
that I am labeled unstable
if in touch with reality

remind

men do not determine your worth
your sexuality does not determine your worth
worth is subjective
only yours to foster

your sex
is all yours
treat it as something precious
you may find comfort in your own bones
meaning, in your own mind
love, in your own flesh

use society as a tool
but stay honest
and soft
as softness, my love
is one of your greatest virtues

love viciously
for not everyone feels they can
and not anyone has your fire
do that which is best for others
for you are good
you are strong enough to let their waves break on you
you may take on those who feel lost

do not tell me
how to conduct myself
concerning my feelings
if you do not want to hear of my pains or worries
do not ask

fuck me (not actually)

I think we’re in love

but he needs to be independent
and I’ve already been there
so I understand it
I’m just

fuck

we’re so good together

he just doesn’t want to be committed right now

fuck

what the hell does this mean

Spotting

I’m sitting on the fire escape behind my work
thrilled to be getting out in a week
the sky is finally blue
it’s 70 degrees in Vermont
I’m having cigarettes for lunch

mom says she’s bleeding again
she always brushes things off
like they don’t really matter
maybe so I don’t worry
maybe because she’s in denial

but it always makes me worry
because I’m so my fathers daughter

she doesn’t tell my dad anything anymore
he’s so in the dark
I think he misses her
but I can’t really tell
if she misses him
I wonder, if she would even tell him
I wonder, if I should tell him

post menopause
bleeding means cancer

we went through this last year
this time last year
and over the winter
I thought we were in the clear

but we’re not……
and I’m scared
and I wonder if she’s scared

silver lining
it’s distracting from my PTSD
all I can think about is how I should deal with this

see, mom doesn’t really know how to take care of herself
and I’m sort of the same way
she wasn’t a particularly good mother
not to say she didn’t try
she did
and I love her dearly
but…

I’ve been the parent for a long time
even as a stupid fucking sex-loving
responsible non-smoking teenager
who just wanted to kill herself

cos dad dipped out
and mom just needed love
but not from him
even though he offered

and though she holds me high as her only child
her miracle baby
I was not a priority
she just
gets real wrapped up in romance
she’s too good for all the idiots she’s been with
and I’m sort of the same way

so I take care of her
and dad tries to take care of me
but I take care of dad
and he gets mad when I break through his shell
when I find the soft child that he still is

so yeah
cancer
that’s something