So I’m staying
or delaying?
maybe making a mistake
I can feel my personality fraying
into the fabric of someone else

and then he pulls away
my gut says
stay
stay

but I guess I should thank him
for making us be our own people

_______________________________
I slipped yesterday
back to an old pattern
I didn’t get out of bed until 2
my mind running in circles
tracing anxiety pathways
carving deeper
the ones that link my depression
and then all I am is fear

it was just shocking
brought on by a single action
I wasn’t 100% sure I had PTSD
but fuck if I didn’t prove it to me

trigger
trigger
trigger

do I need a trigger warning naked in bed with my boyfriend
with his head between my legs

I don’t want this
I mean I want this
‘no it’s good I’m just nervous’
‘no no don’t stop’

‘it seems like you don’t want to do this’

there’s the reaction
the frustration
the brushoff

because I’m sensitive

‘I thought you liked that I’m sensitive’

it reeks of days
days when postpartum depression
made me stay
stay
stay

even in shadows of anger
fear of tongue tied
misspoken words
and hands bigger than mine
a mind
weaker than mine
words
sharper
than mine
crueler

my voice is small
face expressionless
heavy like sand
bitten by the poisonous snake that sits in the pit of my stomach
unable to move

it’s so hard to remember
these are not the same people
though built the same in stature
and familiar repose

my reaction is uncontrollable
I’m sorry I’m scared of you

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