I’m sitting on the fire escape behind my work
thrilled to be getting out in a week
the sky is finally blue
it’s 70 degrees in Vermont
I’m having cigarettes for lunch

mom says she’s bleeding again
she always brushes things off
like they don’t really matter
maybe so I don’t worry
maybe because she’s in denial

but it always makes me worry
because I’m so my fathers daughter

she doesn’t tell my dad anything anymore
he’s so in the dark
I think he misses her
but I can’t really tell
if she misses him
I wonder, if she would even tell him
I wonder, if I should tell him

post menopause
bleeding means cancer

we went through this last year
this time last year
and over the winter
I thought we were in the clear

but we’re not……
and I’m scared
and I wonder if she’s scared

silver lining
it’s distracting from my PTSD
all I can think about is how I should deal with this

see, mom doesn’t really know how to take care of herself
and I’m sort of the same way
she wasn’t a particularly good mother
not to say she didn’t try
she did
and I love her dearly

I’ve been the parent for a long time
even as a stupid fucking sex-loving
responsible non-smoking teenager
who just wanted to kill herself

cos dad dipped out
and mom just needed love
but not from him
even though he offered

and though she holds me high as her only child
her miracle baby
I was not a priority
she just
gets real wrapped up in romance
she’s too good for all the idiots she’s been with
and I’m sort of the same way

so I take care of her
and dad tries to take care of me
but I take care of dad
and he gets mad when I break through his shell
when I find the soft child that he still is

so yeah
that’s something