here I am
new house
new home

it came on so suddenly
I’m sleeping in a different bed than I thought I would

here
I will never be hungry
I will never be lonely
I will never have the fear
of being left

but I am still heartbroken
because the bed I thought I’d sleep in has likely been filed by another
because the love I thought I’d had was thinner than my own

I am missing the blazing intoxicating love
longing the love that made me feel
as if I was floating through life
love that feels once in a lifetime
love that fuels all your passions

love in one self, two forms

but often fear, at least in the young
is stronger than love

now I will crawl into my new home
not what I expected
but beautiful all in all

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mental issues
sanitary tissues
the dominant cultural paradigm of femininity
that I am labeled unstable
if in touch with reality

remind

men do not determine your worth
your sexuality does not determine your worth
worth is subjective
only yours to foster

your sex
is all yours
treat it as something precious
you may find comfort in your own bones
meaning, in your own mind
love, in your own flesh

use society as a tool
but stay honest
and soft
as softness, my love
is one of your greatest virtues

love viciously
for not everyone feels they can
and not anyone has your fire
do that which is best for others
for you are good
you are strong enough to let their waves break on you
you may take on those who feel lost

Spotting

I’m sitting on the fire escape behind my work
thrilled to be getting out in a week
the sky is finally blue
it’s 70 degrees in Vermont
I’m having cigarettes for lunch

mom says she’s bleeding again
she always brushes things off
like they don’t really matter
maybe so I don’t worry
maybe because she’s in denial

but it always makes me worry
because I’m so my fathers daughter

she doesn’t tell my dad anything anymore
he’s so in the dark
I think he misses her
but I can’t really tell
if she misses him
I wonder, if she would even tell him
I wonder, if I should tell him

post menopause
bleeding means cancer

we went through this last year
this time last year
and over the winter
I thought we were in the clear

but we’re not……
and I’m scared
and I wonder if she’s scared

silver lining
it’s distracting from my PTSD
all I can think about is how I should deal with this

see, mom doesn’t really know how to take care of herself
and I’m sort of the same way
she wasn’t a particularly good mother
not to say she didn’t try
she did
and I love her dearly
but…

I’ve been the parent for a long time
even as a stupid fucking sex-loving
responsible non-smoking teenager
who just wanted to kill herself

cos dad dipped out
and mom just needed love
but not from him
even though he offered

and though she holds me high as her only child
her miracle baby
I was not a priority
she just
gets real wrapped up in romance
she’s too good for all the idiots she’s been with
and I’m sort of the same way

so I take care of her
and dad tries to take care of me
but I take care of dad
and he gets mad when I break through his shell
when I find the soft child that he still is

so yeah
cancer
that’s something

Reversion

So I’m staying
or delaying?
maybe making a mistake
I can feel my personality fraying
into the fabric of someone else

and then he pulls away
my gut says
stay
stay

but I guess I should thank him
for making us be our own people

_______________________________
I slipped yesterday
back to an old pattern
I didn’t get out of bed until 2
my mind running in circles
tracing anxiety pathways
carving deeper
the ones that link my depression
and then all I am is fear

it was just shocking
brought on by a single action
I wasn’t 100% sure I had PTSD
but fuck if I didn’t prove it to me

trigger
trigger
trigger

do I need a trigger warning naked in bed with my boyfriend
with his head between my legs

I don’t want this
I mean I want this
‘no it’s good I’m just nervous’
‘no no don’t stop’

‘it seems like you don’t want to do this’

there’s the reaction
the frustration
the brushoff

because I’m sensitive

‘I thought you liked that I’m sensitive’

it reeks of days
days when postpartum depression
made me stay
stay
stay

even in shadows of anger
fear of tongue tied
misspoken words
and hands bigger than mine
a mind
weaker than mine
words
sharper
than mine
crueler

my voice is small
face expressionless
heavy like sand
bitten by the poisonous snake that sits in the pit of my stomach
unable to move

it’s so hard to remember
these are not the same people
though built the same in stature
and familiar repose

my reaction is uncontrollable
I’m sorry I’m scared of you

Come With Me

Come with me
we keep saying the timing is wrong
but maybe it’s perfect
we’re just scared to hold on

Come with me
breath air somewhere else
we can climb mountains
you can bloody find yourself
Come with me
because by now I can’t let you go
and we’re on the same page
as far as I know
Come with me
You know I don’t believe in fate
there just something about us
we can’t duplicate
Baby, come with me
I love you
Come with me