Spotting

I’m sitting on the fire escape behind my work
thrilled to be getting out in a week
the sky is finally blue
it’s 70 degrees in Vermont
I’m having cigarettes for lunch

mom says she’s bleeding again
she always brushes things off
like they don’t really matter
maybe so I don’t worry
maybe because she’s in denial

but it always makes me worry
because I’m so my fathers daughter

she doesn’t tell my dad anything anymore
he’s so in the dark
I think he misses her
but I can’t really tell
if she misses him
I wonder, if she would even tell him
I wonder, if I should tell him

post menopause
bleeding means cancer

we went through this last year
this time last year
and over the winter
I thought we were in the clear

but we’re not……
and I’m scared
and I wonder if she’s scared

silver lining
it’s distracting from my PTSD
all I can think about is how I should deal with this

see, mom doesn’t really know how to take care of herself
and I’m sort of the same way
she wasn’t a particularly good mother
not to say she didn’t try
she did
and I love her dearly
but…

I’ve been the parent for a long time
even as a stupid fucking sex-loving
responsible non-smoking teenager
who just wanted to kill herself

cos dad dipped out
and mom just needed love
but not from him
even though he offered

and though she holds me high as her only child
her miracle baby
I was not a priority
she just
gets real wrapped up in romance
she’s too good for all the idiots she’s been with
and I’m sort of the same way

so I take care of her
and dad tries to take care of me
but I take care of dad
and he gets mad when I break through his shell
when I find the soft child that he still is

so yeah
cancer
that’s something

+

Reversion

So I’m staying
or delaying?
maybe making a mistake
I can feel my personality fraying
into the fabric of someone else

and then he pulls away
my gut says
stay
stay

but I guess I should thank him
for making us be our own people

_______________________________
I slipped yesterday
back to an old pattern
I didn’t get out of bed until 2
my mind running in circles
tracing anxiety pathways
carving deeper
the ones that link my depression
and then all I am is fear

it was just shocking
brought on by a single action
I wasn’t 100% sure I had PTSD
but fuck if I didn’t prove it to me

trigger
trigger
trigger

do I need a trigger warning naked in bed with my boyfriend
with his head between my legs

I don’t want this
I mean I want this
‘no it’s good I’m just nervous’
‘no no don’t stop’

‘it seems like you don’t want to do this’

there’s the reaction
the frustration
the brushoff

because I’m sensitive

‘I thought you liked that I’m sensitive’

it reeks of days
days when postpartum depression
made me stay
stay
stay

even in shadows of anger
fear of tongue tied
misspoken words
and hands bigger than mine
a mind
weaker than mine
words
sharper
than mine
crueler

my voice is small
face expressionless
heavy like sand
bitten by the poisonous snake that sits in the pit of my stomach
unable to move

it’s so hard to remember
these are not the same people
though built the same in stature
and familiar repose

my reaction is uncontrollable
I’m sorry I’m scared of you

Come With Me

Come with me
we keep saying the timing is wrong
but maybe it’s perfect
we’re just scared to hold on

Come with me
breath air somewhere else
we can climb mountains
you can bloody find yourself
Come with me
because by now I can’t let you go
and we’re on the same page
as far as I know
Come with me
You know I don’t believe in fate
there just something about us
we can’t duplicate
Baby, come with me
I love you
Come with me

“And when I think of my youth
I think of my freedom
And when I think of my freedom
I feel so alone
And when I feel lonely
I want you to hold me
Hold me in your arms”
-Anais Mitchell

_______________________________

I’m full of smoke and nicotine
I never expected to be this person
didn’t think I’d be just like my mother
albeit more content
I wonder what dad would say

_____________________

I keep leaving blood stains on all my clothes
calling it femininity
washing off intruding voices

______________________________

I probably drink too much
but I love just enough
towing lines of good and bad

_____________________
who am I
now
who am I
I wasn’t expecting-
I don’t know if I ever could expect myself
my
wondrous
self

this self that I hold dear
self that wants only to bring goodness

clueless
thoughtful
naive
strong
frail

oh we are so many things
you and I
and we are the same
flecks in sunlight
hands full of dirt
that’s all

 

For a Nervous Young Woman

From a good man

I’ll obviously support you staying. But as someone who wants to know you better, I think you should go.
Vermont will be right here, doing the same shit.
The world is so cool and full of endless random opportunity.

You’re so good to me.

Like. Girl. First. You’re fucking huge.
I don’t care about new people much.
When you walk into a room it’s obvious.
Vermont this second is struggling to contain you.
You’re so smart and beautiful, you deserve to meet people from all over the world.
To get crushes and make friends and be scared and alone and in new places.

Ahh it sounds so good, I’m so unsure but fuck I need to go.
Still love me when I come back.

I’ll love you more when you come back.
I’ll follow your journey and remind you you’re beautiful when you’re on the side of the road and lonely and lost,
and high five you when you’re in cities with babes discovering yourself and how amazing you are.

I wouldn’t let someone stay for me.

I know you’re right.

+

For a Vermont Farm Boy

I can’t stay because I love you
I can’t stay because I’m afraid you’ll forget me
I can’t stay to smoke cigarettes on the beach
I can’t stay to lose heat

but I want to
I really want to
I want to fall
I want to wake up together

I need you to send me
send me off into the abyss
of endless roads
off to feel small and cry alone
on tundras in cold thin air

and then I will come back to you
and there will never be a what if

hazy

sorry I don’t call
sorry I don’t write
I know I don’t owe you anything
but you know me
I hate to leave you hanging

I’ve been synced with this new england weather
soft like snow, and warm as the fire
happily swallowed up in my bedroom
melting
but it’s no excuse
your poor self feeling dragged along
due to my lack of communication

just how do I wrench myself from a life so intoxicating
to be pulled into a screen
to tell you of my dreams

I’m wasn’t lying
when I told you
I haven’t spoken to anyone back home
in forever